Dementia’s Heartbreaking Toll – She’s Torn Between Love for Her Mother and Her Partner’s Pain

In a recent Reddit post, a user found herself confronted with a challenging dilemma regarding her mother and partner. Here’s what happened.

Her Mom Suffers From Dementia

Anna’s mother is 66 and suffers from dementia and unexpectedly bursts out homophobic remarks. Anna had previously warned her partner, Sarah, about her mother’s hurtful remarks.

She clarified that her mother’s racist and homophobic behavior was why she had not introduced Sarah to her.

Through personal experience, Anna had learned that attempting to argue, rationalize, or correct such harmful behavior was futile.

Her mother would apologize but quickly forget her words, making it challenging to effect lasting change. Her mother’s doctors supported Anna’s stance, who agreed that attempting to correct such behavior was a wasted effort.

She Had Already Forewarned Her About Her Mother’s Tendencies.

Despite Anna’s reservations, Sarah insisted on meeting her mother. Anna reiterated her concerns, explaining why she was against the meeting. However, Sarah remained determined.

Eventually, Anna agreed, and the meeting took place as planned. Predictably, Anna’s mother exhibited the same behavior that Anna had been warned about.

Things took a turn when Sarah became angry with Anna for not defending or correcting her mother’s hurtful remarks.

Anna stood her ground and reminded Sarah that she had already forewarned her about her mother’s tendencies.

Accused Her of Being a Failure as a Partner for Tolerating Such Behavior

She acknowledged that her mother had a sharp tongue. However, she insisted that addressing the behavior was not worth the effort. Anna attempted to make jokes to lighten the mood, but this only upset Sarah further.

However, despite Anna’s explanations, Sarah continued to question Anna’s actions, accusing her of being a failure as a partner for tolerating such behavior.

As a result, she countered, reminding Sarah that she had previously explained the situation, yet Sarah still insisted on the meeting.

Anna questioned whether Sarah honestly expected her to embark on the emotionally draining task of correcting someone who often did not recognize her own identity due to dementia.

“Worst Type of Person”

She had already fought that battle for years and found it too painful. She had faced either accepting her mother’s behavior or severing ties with her.

Ultimately, Anna chose to maintain a relationship with her mother, driven by her deep love and connection to her. She believed she had made the right decision.

However, the issue resurfaced during a recent dinner with friends, leading to an intense confrontation.

Anna faced harsh judgment and criticism from those around her. Friends labeled her as the “worst type of person” for not taking a firmer stance against her mother’s behavior.


One friend even suggested that Anna should disown her mother. Overwhelmed by the judgment, Anna left the dinner feeling hurt.

“A Lot of People Don’t Understand What It’s Like To Have a Loved One With Dementia”

Now, reflecting on her choices, Anna wonders if she was wrong for not correcting her mother’s behavior and downplaying its seriousness. She took to Reddit to ask whether she was in the wrong in the situation.

Thousands of comments poured in, saying that Anna was not wrong for what she did.

One Reddit user wrote, “A lot of people don’t understand what it’s like to have a loved one with dementia. There is absolutely nothing you can do, and it generally only gets worse over time. You did your best to explain to your partner, and they chose not to heed your warning. Everything that happened as soon as they opened that door is on them, not you.”

I’m Sorry You’re Going Through This and Are Stuck With Such Awful Friends

Another Redditor commented, “NTA. I’m sorry you’re going through this and are stuck with such awful friends and a partner. Dementia is a beast of a disease. Anyone who will claim with confidence that this is who your mother has always been isn’t doing their research.”

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Featured Image Credit: Shutterstock / fizkes. The people shown in the images are for illustrative purposes only, not the actual people featured in the story.

Source: Reddit