This slice of relationship drama comes from Reddit and sees a man looking for advice on tackling his fiancée’s wish for her mom to move in after they get married. The advice he got was great; let’s take a look.
They Just Bought a Home for Their Future Family
Meet our original poster (OP), a 32-year-old man who is engaged to his 31-year-old fiancée. They have been together for five years and have recently purchased a perfect house to start their future family.
However, the OP’s fiancée wants her 64-year-old mother to move in with them soon after their wedding next Spring. Unfortunately, he is against this idea, and for a good reason.
The couple had originally discussed the extra rooms in the house as a temporary place for her parents to stay while they looked for a home closer to them.
Her Mother Is in a Bad Place After Her Father’s Death
However, since her father’s unexpected passing last Spring, her mother has been in a bad place.
She has stopped working, refuses to look for another job, refuses to drive, and rarely leaves the house.
The OP’s fiancée has not made any promises but has hinted that it would be okay for her mother to move in with them permanently. She has already offered to take some of her mother’s extra furniture to put in their spare room.
The OP, on the other hand, is against this idea for several reasons. Firstly, he values his privacy and the solace of his home, and having his mother-in-law constantly there would interfere with that.
Mother Causes Stress and Tension
He also feels like they will lose a lot of intimate time together. Additionally, their relationship with her mother already creates a lot of stress and tension, which sometimes gets directed toward him.
Living together in such an environment would be unbearable.
Moreover, he is concerned about the financial aspect of having his mother-in-law living with them.
Despite being able-bodied, she refuses to look for a job and would likely not contribute financially or leave the house. She is also terrible with finances.
They Have a Baby Dog
He and his fiancée have a 1-year-old dog, but her mother is deathly afraid of dogs. And to top it off, her mother’s views on raising children and parenting are vastly different from theirs.
The OP is afraid that having her mother constantly there will negatively impact their future plans of starting a family.
The OP’s fiancée’s main reason for wanting her mother to move in is a feeling of obligation.
She also thinks it would be nice to have her mother around for the first two months post-partum after someday having kids, regardless of what happens now.
He’s Worried It Will Harm Their Relationship
Her siblings are not interested or in a position to support their mother.
The OP is at a loss on how to approach this situation. He loves his fiancée but finds this request too much and fears it will harm their relationship significantly.
It’s a tough spot, but he needs to communicate his concerns and priorities to his fiancée. This is a decision that will affect both of their lives significantly, and it’s essential for them to be on the same page.
He needs to sit down with his fiancée and have an honest conversation about his concerns.
He Needs to Be Clear About Boundaries
He needs to express his love for her and his desire for their relationship to flourish, but also his fears about the impact that her mother’s presence will have on their future plans.
He needs to be clear about his priorities and boundaries, especially when it comes to privacy and intimate time together.
He should acknowledge and empathize with his fiancée’s emotions regarding her mother’s situation. Losing a parent and dealing with the aftermath can be incredibly challenging and emotionally taxing.
Local Resources and Support Groups
He can offer support to his fiancée and suggest alternative ways to help her mother, such as exploring other living arrangements, assisting her in finding a job or connecting her with local resources and support groups.
It’s essential for the OP to be compassionate and understanding toward his fiancée’s perspective while still advocating for his own concerns and boundaries.
It’s also crucial for OP to have a conversation with his mother-in-law about her expectations and the reality of the situation.
He must be clear that having her live with them permanently is not an option and that they need to find a different solution. They could explore options such as assisted living or finding a rental property for her to live in.
They Were Sympathetic
Finally, OP and his fiancée need to discuss the financial implications of having her mother live with them. They need to have a plan in place for her financial contribution, whether that’s through rent or other means.
Redditors were sympathetic to this guy’s position.
Bite the Bullet
One user offered this advice, “You need to bite the bullet and be honest. Tell her you don’t want her mother living with you, but you’ll help her find a nice one-bedroom apartment in a nearby area.
Preferably in a retirement building where she will have a lot of people her own age. Also, offer to help find her a grief counselor.
Her mom has completely given up but she won’t ever get back to resuming her daily living activities if you two enable her.”
What do you think about this situation? What should he do?
Featured Image Credit: Shutterstock / DavideAngelini. The people shown in the images are for illustrative purposes only, not the actual people featured in the story.